There’s a new flavor in town called Beto O’Rourke — the new Barack Obama in vanilla sauce.

stick and stone make fire one for the pit, the other for the flame choose which one wisely

Anything’s possible with coffee and a typewriter.

If it was meant to be, you can’t screw it up; if you screw it up, that’s the way it was meant to be.

People refuse to look shit up before reposting on Facebook, but will spend several minutes taking a test to see what sort of potato chip they are.

There are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing goes for the Virgin Islands. No canaries, either.

The kids played in the open field beyond my fence line. I could hear them yelling and laughing as they used a stick as a bat and small rocks as balls. Every once in a while I’d catch the sound of stone cracking against wood and the kids whooping it up. I wanted to go…

I try never to think before I speak. I like to be as surprised as everyone else.

Carrot juice might be good for the eyes, but whiskey will double your vision.

I can remember when the Internet was used to escape the real world; now we use the real world to escape the Internet.