My Cousin Elmo says, “I have so little faith in people I look both ways when crossing a one-way street.”

Somewhere deep in the recessive bowels of the Pentagon, Washington DC, one hundred and fifty members of Congress, elite educational facilities, and the military gathered for a secret meeting. “So, what is so urgent that you called me away from my golf game?” an asshole senator asked. The question, though uncomfortable, was met with nods…

As I struggled with my anger and PTSD from being yelled at by a neighbor over a problem I had tried resolving, to no avail, and in the end, had no responsibility over it, I started shoveling the snow from my driveway. I hate scooping snow because of my twice-broken back. Then from across the…

As I turned into my neighborhood from Eagle Canyon, I nearly ran over a small female pitbull wearing a winter sweater. Because she was running toward the main road, I tried to coax her to come to me. Instead, she ran up Mercedes away from Eagle Canyon. I spent the next half hour trying to…

After 205 years in the entertainment industry, Franklin Nevermore Stein retired, and now he slept late each morning. The evening before, he had a headache, so Franklin loosened the bolts on either side of his neck. He vaguely recalled his wife getting up and ready to shop at Walmart before he awoke face down in…

Sometimes I lie awake at night, asking, “Is it worth it?” Then I hear a voice, “Who are you talking to?” Next, another voice asks, “Don’t you mean to ‘whom’ are you talking to?’” Suddenly, I think about computer screens, having bought two last year. I imagine their conversation when I’m not around. “It’s New…

Buddy and I were on our front porch as she and her German Shepard walked by us. The dog saw Buddy and practically dragged his human across the street and onto the sidewalk. She laughed as he stopped to see if Buddy was up for a greeting sniff. He was not. Instead, Buddy pushed in…

Other scientists called him a crackpot because he held unusual beliefs. His latest was that life forms from Outerspace were billionaires visiting from one of a thousand galaxies in the infinite universe while on vacation. His colleagues howled with laughter after he made this latest theory public. They thought it was even funnier than when…

Snow piled up, the power went out, and the roads were closed. And still wet, heavy flakes continued to fall, settling on everything, making life miserable for the residents of Virginia City. It was nothing new. Storms like this one they were experiencing were commonplace, albeit disastrous for the unprepared or worse for the ones…

My wife calls me a hoarder, though I prefer the label ‘pack rat’ better. But names aside, I collect objects and store them in collection bins with other a-like things. When I find something I have nothing to pair with, it ends up in a large wooden box that once belonged to my wife’s grandparents.…