I try never to think before I speak. I like to be as surprised as everyone else.

Carrot juice might be good for the eyes, but whiskey will double your vision.

I can remember when the Internet was used to escape the real world; now we use the real world to escape the Internet.

It’s okay to like a woman whose hour-glass figure holds a little more sand.

A proud papa moment: complained to my adult son that I had sprained my wrist, he told me to stop whacking-off so much.

Woman are only helpless when their finger nail polish is wet; even then they can still squeeze the trigger.

“Ah, shit! Jeans or sweats?” he calls out. Followed by, “Tennis shows or boots?” “Sweat shirt or jacket?” he asks. Next, “Cowboy or baseball hat?” “Bare handed or gloves?” he wants to know. All questions a good stock man must ask himself each time a cow or three escapes the fence. “Too hell with it!…

Toxic masculinity — because when the shit hits the fan, no one wants to hide behind a feminist.

Now he was not only broke, but broken, too. That’s the thought Richard Berger came to as he struggled to climb out of the snow bank he’d been tossed into following the brutal attack. He was on his way home, walking across town, when he happened on two men coming towards him. He tried to…

My wife came rushing into the room after hearing a loud ‘pop.’ She thought I’d finally pulled my head outta my ass.