My Cousin Elmo says, “My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.”

Stopping only long enough to take a picture, I turned around to find my party had moved further into the cave. My attempt to follow their direction was met with a fork in the path.

Left or right; I chose right.

After a while, I decided I’d taken the wrong path. It was then that I decided to wait to be rescued.

As I stood there, I was bathed in the faint glow of a million phosphorescing gems. Some winking, others twinkled as I turned my camera towards the shiny specks, setting off my flash.

Rescue would never find me.

How to remember to spell the word ‘psychotherapist’ — psycho-the-rapist.

Used to be we had to go to the circus to see a tattooed lady — now we can go to Walmart.

Everything was fine until tragic event/nothing happened. It was normal. Until I found a mild curiosity. I asked insert friend/family member and they didn’t know anything about it. I explored further and found more mysteries/monster. If anyone knows anything about this please tell me/ it is still out there.

“You really don’t want me to quit.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No – I promise you, you wouldn’t like me.”

“I don’t like you when you’re drinking!”

“I know, but that person’s a far better one than I am without alcohol.”

“I don’t believe you – you’re jus’ making up excuses to drink.”

“No – I’ve only one reason to drink.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“You know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?”

“What of it?”

“I’m the opposite of those two and because I’ve been drinking, I’m Mr. Hyde.”

“You’re full of shit!”

“Okay, I’ll stop drinking – but remember — I warned you.”

It’s not pulling the sword from stone that’s difficult, it’s putting it back after learning about the crap that comes with possessing the damned thing.

Having jus’ finished taking my shower, I dried off and rehung my towel. I walked across the carpet entering the walk-in closet and reached for the string-cord leading to the single bulb.

There was a sudden and bright pop. I did my best to blink away the little dots that flooded my eyesight.

That’s when I saw him and his crooked little smile. He held a kitchen knife in one hand and a taser in the other.

At that moment, I wasn’t sure which I found more frightening, his implements or the fact that like me, he was also naked.

If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, you’re officially considered to be a first cousin on the WordPress side of the family.