Thinking that a homemade clothe face mask is going to stop a virus is like believing your underwear will stop the smell of a fart.

Please pray for my wife. She’s not sick or anything, she’s jus’ married to me.

Before there was Netflix’s ‘The Tiger King,’ there was Cal Worthington and his dog, Spot.

If gas prices go any lower, the oil companies may have to start laying off members of Congress.

An old joke, reworked…

A blonde teen, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately.”

Later that day, the teen came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” she replied, “And I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way,” the teenager added, “It’s not a Porch, it’s a Tesla.”

This is not a recession — it’s a state government-imposed shutdown of the private sector.

Oddly, your fingers have tips, but your toes do not and yet you can tiptoe, but you can’t tipfinger. Go figure.

fucking
state
unemployment
system

overwhelmed
for
fucking hours

still

finally
i
lost it

whatever
it was
with
no intention

of
getting
it
back

it
is
what
it
fucking be

It’s not uncommon for women to do their gardening naked. It dates back to the beginning of time.

“For several years a mockingbird perched in that large pine by our home,” she stated.

“Have you ever seen it?” her friend interrupted, before adding, “We don’t have mockingbirds in this area.”

“No, I’ve never seen it, but I know that it would mock our Labrador Retriever’s bark, baying back at them throughout the evening,” she added.

“But, I’m telling you,” the friend repeated, “We don’t have mockingbirds in this area.”

Professor Henry Hearthstone listened intently. It was obvious to him that a Spirit Mimic had established an unearthly presence in the woman’s tree and very likely remains there today.