Category: random

  • Imbecile Child

    The farmer looked at his son, knowing the boy had no future. He’d been starved for air at birth, leaving him slow-in-the-head.

    It was the year 1892, modern times, with places one could leave an imbecile child. Family, town folk, preachers, and doctors all said to put the child away, but he couldn’t, such was his love for the boy.

    “Don’t know what he’s yammering on about now,” he said to his wife.

    “You know he has a strong imagination,” she said. “You recall how he spent months talking on and on about the bird that laid an egg on an island and it bloomed like the sunrise.”

    “Yeah,” he said. “Guess it ain’t nothing then. Still, I wish I understood what it was about alabaster twins turning to dust. Sounds like a nightmare or something.”

    “Go wash up,” she said, “Suppers nearly ready.”

    “Yes, ma’am,” he said.

    The backdoor screen slapped shut as the boy came running in.

    “What does certificate of vaccination identification mean, Momma?” he asked.

    “It means you best go wash up,” she said. “It’s nearly time to eat.”

    “Hope it’s fried chicken,” he said, racing to join his father at the washbasin, “I love fried chicken.”

  • My Cousin Elmo says, “Does Major League Baseball require a photo ID to pick up game tickets or buy a beer? Asking for a friend.”

  • You Can’t Help

    You can’t help my isolation
    You can’t help the fear that it brings
    You can’t help yourself by seeing me
    You can’t help my fucking want
    You can’t help my wanting to fuck

    You can’t help our social distancing
    You can’t help the hurt that it brings
    You can’t help your helpless can’t
    You can’t help touching my human needs
    You can’t help not wanting inside me

    You can’t help my need to be inside you
    You can’t help hurting me deeply
    You can’t walk away on your knees
    You can’t help my isolation
    You can’t help the anger it breeds

    You can’t help touching my body
    You can’t help washing your hands
    You can’t help beating me senseless
    You can’t help my need to beat-off
    You can’t help my wanting to fuck

    You can’t your fucking turning away
    You can’t help my breaking heart
    You can’t help this romantic disease
    You can’t help not wanting to fuck me
    You can’t help having not seen the real me

    You can’t help feed my isolation
    You can’t help fuck my only fear
    You can’t help but tease me
    You can’t help my need to be teased
    You can’t help your helpless can’t

    You can’t help watch my death throes
    You can’t help to wait and what to see
    You can’t help explain your desire to me
    You can’t help not acting on your dream
    You can’t help believing in romantic death

  • My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m called an alcoholic because I drink alcohol, but no one ever says I’m fantastic when I drink Fanta.”

  • Sam Clemens, the Dog and a Pig in a Blanket

    As a kid, reading Mark Twain’s, “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn,” lead to “Treasure Island” and eventually “Lord of the Flies.” But somehow, I always returned to Twain, especially to his shorter tales.

    One such short story is “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County.” In it, the narrator is sent by a friend to interview an old man, Simon Wheeler, who might know the location of an old acquaintance named Leonidas W. Smiley.

    Finding Wheeler at Angels Camp, the narrator asks him if he knows anything about Leonidas. Simon appears not to and instead tells a story about Jim Smiley, a man who had visited the camp years earlier.

    According to Wheeler, Jim loves to gamble and will bet on anything and everything. He explains that once Jim caught a frog, whom he names Dan’l Webster, and spent three months training it to jump.

    When a stranger visits the camp, Jim shows off Dan’l and offers to bet $40 that it can out-jump any other frog in Calaveras County. The stranger, unimpressed, says that he would take the bet if he had a frog, so Jim goes out to catch one, leaving him alone with Dan’l.
    While Jim is away, the stranger pours lead shot down Dan’l’s throat. Once Jim returns, he and the stranger set the frogs down and let them loose.

    The stranger’s frog jumps away while Dan’l doesn’t budge, and the surprised and disgusted Jim pays the $40 wager. After the stranger leaves, Jim notices Dan’l’s sluggishness and picks the frog up, finding it much heavier than he remembers.

    When Dan’l belches out a double handful of lead shot, Jim realizes that he has been had and chases after the stranger but never catches him.

    The narrator, understanding that Jim has no connection to Leonidas, gets up to leave. However, Wheeler wants to tell him about a yellow, one-eyed, stubby-tailed cow Jim once owned.

    Rather than listening to another pointless tale, the narrator leaves. As he does, he muses that his friend must have fabricated Leonidas Smiley to trick him into listening to Wheeler’s stories.

    But how did Twain come up with such a story?

    It began in Virginia City, Nevada, with a prospecting pig named John Henry and Towser the Bulldog. Both animals belonged to Twain’s friend, Jim Gillis.

    Gillis was not only a teller of tall tales but also a “pocket miner.” He spent his time searching for small hallows in the dirt where he might find ore.

    Gillis trained John Henry to dig hardpan. He did this by burying biscuits that the pig could dig up, and in doing so, Gillis would sift through the loose dirt.

    One evening after staying past midnight, drinking and swapping stories with Gillis, Clemens decided he would stay over. The cabin had four bunks and two already in use.

    Gillis would let the dog and the inside on cold nights, something his guest didn’t know. They slept on the cot which Clemens was currently occupying.

    The pair piled on Clemens and began to wrestle as they always did before settling down to sleep. Needless to say, this made Clemens a little more than testy.

    Clemens called Gillis every name he could think of, swore off their friendship, and threatened never to speak to him again. But Gillis pulled the cork from another bottle of whiskey, offered Clemens a drink, and proceeded to tell the story about an amphibian from the Golden State that wouldn’t hop.

    Sam settled down, and the rest, as they say, is history.

  • My Cousin Elmo says, “The Biden Administration is investigating Jesus for violating stay-in-the-tomb orders.”

  • The More They Lie, the Less Safe I Feel

    We have a disconnect from logical thought in this country. To wit:

    President Biden ordered a missile strike on Syria. Shortly after, a Syrian man went on a shooting rampage in the United States.

    The Department of Homeland Security claims there is no connection between the two events. And yet…Syria.

    It’s as simple as that in my mind as I wait for DHS to avoid the connection between Noah X., the Nation of Islam, and the Washington DC roadblock attack.

  • It is Done

    Thank goodness this week is over. It has been an expensive few days and will probably be worse next week. But for now, the weekend is here, and I can allow myself to relax for a few hours.

    It began with shorting the light in my garage. I hunted for the problem but eventually had to call an electrician to repair my mistake. After $140, we have lights once again.

    Then the water heater gave out after nearly 23-years. That’s not bad. But it cost $519 for a new one, and fortunately, a friend of ours installed it for us.

    When I took the old water heater to the Reno city dump, the Waste Management guy yelled at me. No, I did not see the sign, but posting a sign at the entrance before allowing Joe Public to drive through the lot would have been the better thing to do. Masks make some people so brave.

    The next day a Washoe County Library employee got pissed at me because I could not get the frigging book return touch screen to work. The old manual pull-open and push-shut draw worked fine. The third time she yelled at me and walked in front of my truck, I had murder on my mind.

    It cost us over $300 for our 20-plus-year-old lawnmower once everything was said and done. I had to put a $125 deposit down because people leave their mowers to be repaired and never return to pick them up once they learn how much the “damage” is. We could have put a downpayment on a riding mower for that expense.

    As I was leaving the small engine shop with the mower, my truck took a shit. It is in the shop right now and will be through next week. I have no idea what it will cost us, and I don’t even want to think about it at the moment.

    Finally, my son and his wife invited us to dinner at an actual sit-down restaurant for my wife’s birthday. It was a wonderful visit, and we all came away very full. And though I was ready to help pay the bill, “my kids” pick up the entire tab.

    Happily, Easter is almost here.

  • My Cousin Elmo says, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with my TV, but I jus’ saw a straight white male in a commercial.”

  • Corporeal Separation

    All of my life I have wanted to belong.
    To what, I’ve never been sure.
    Jus’ belong.
    Talk of tribalism has reinfected that wound.
    I don’t belong. I have never belonged.
    Outside the circle, the community, the troop.
    Certainly, I have attempted to belong: school, military, service organizations, professions, even communities that involved hobbyists.
    Nothing.
    For a while, I will be accepted then slowly I find myself abandoned.
    Left to my own devices.
    Alone.
    You, too?
    No, this is not a complaint, but a quest for the why of the nature.
    The answer is we are all alone, but together.