Guess if I bully a bully, that makes me a bully too. If he had used one of the 16 available gas pumps instead of calling the woman an ‘idiot’ and ‘brain-damaged’ because she didn’t pull forward, I wouldn’t have bullied the bully, calling him “a little man in a large body with a big…

My Cousin Elmo says, “The ‘@’ symbol reminds me of an asshole.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “Replacing the ‘w’ in what, where, and when with a ‘t,’ answers those questions.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “With eggs and toilet paper so expensive, kids today will never know the joy of egging or toilet papering a house.”

My Cousin Elmo says, “I have so little faith in people I look both ways when crossing a one-way street.”

Somewhere deep in the recessive bowels of the Pentagon, Washington DC, one hundred and fifty members of Congress, elite educational facilities, and the military gathered for a secret meeting. “So, what is so urgent that you called me away from my golf game?” an asshole senator asked. The question, though uncomfortable, was met with nods…

As I struggled with my anger and PTSD from being yelled at by a neighbor over a problem I had tried resolving, to no avail, and in the end, had no responsibility over it, I started shoveling the snow from my driveway. I hate scooping snow because of my twice-broken back. Then from across the…

As I turned into my neighborhood from Eagle Canyon, I nearly ran over a small female pitbull wearing a winter sweater. Because she was running toward the main road, I tried to coax her to come to me. Instead, she ran up Mercedes away from Eagle Canyon. I spent the next half hour trying to…

After 205 years in the entertainment industry, Franklin Nevermore Stein retired, and now he slept late each morning. The evening before, he had a headache, so Franklin loosened the bolts on either side of his neck. He vaguely recalled his wife getting up and ready to shop at Walmart before he awoke face down in…

Sometimes I lie awake at night, asking, “Is it worth it?” Then I hear a voice, “Who are you talking to?” Next, another voice asks, “Don’t you mean to ‘whom’ are you talking to?’” Suddenly, I think about computer screens, having bought two last year. I imagine their conversation when I’m not around. “It’s New…