It has long been my observation that mankind possesses a miraculous talent for agreement, provided no one says anything. The instant a fellow opens his mouth, or worse, places his thoughts upon one of those miraculous electric bulletin boards they call social media, peace departs with such haste that you would think it had stolen something.

There exists no more efficient method of offending the entire human race than to publish an opinion. It matters very little what that opinion may be. You may declare that pie is superior to cake, that dogs possess more dignity than cats, or that Tuesday is an underrated day. Before the ink is dry, or whatever invisible fluid powers these contraptions, an army of experts appears, each carrying a lantern to illuminate your ignorance while somehow stumbling over their own certainty.

The remarkable feature of this spectacle is that every citizen enters believing himself to be a champion of free speech. By sunset, however, that noble principle has been amended to read: “Everyone is entitled to an opinion, provided it resembles mine closely enough to avoid causing me discomfort.”

One gentleman will accuse you of recklessness for saying too much. Another will condemn you for saying too little.

A third will demand that you explain what you clearly wrote, while a fourth insists you secretly meant the exact opposite. By the time the fifth fellow arrives to inform everyone that he is leaving the conversation forever, he has already contributed seventeen more comments than anyone else.

The old village gossip once had to walk from porch to porch, wearing out both shoes and patience to spread indignation. Today, outrage travels at the speed of light while wisdom still insists on tying its boots. Progress has not eliminated human foolishness; it has merely furnished it with excellent broadband service.

Thus, I have concluded that posting an opinion online is the closest thing modern civilization has invented to ringing the dinner bell in a hornets’ nest. It is astonishingly democratic.

Friends, strangers, scholars, fools, and people who have read only the headline all receive equal opportunity to misunderstand you. If equality is indeed the highest political virtue, then social media has achieved perfection by ensuring that everyone may be offended at precisely the same time.