Don’t Feed the People

I have long suspected that government departments do not speak to one another except by accident, and when they do, it is only to contradict each other with great enthusiasm.

Take, for instance, the noble Department of Agriculture. It rises each morning, stretches itself with patriotic vigor, and sets about the fine work of feeding 42.4 million citizens. It counts this as a triumph, and no doubt it is, as numbers that large are always impressive, especially when recited with a straight face.

Meanwhile, over in the quieter woods, the Department of the Interior has posted signs in the National Parks advising visitors not to feed the animals. The warning is stern, almost parental: “Do not do it,” they say, “for the creatures will grow dependent and forget how to fend for themselves.”

It is excellent advice. Sound. Sensible. Practically scripture, if the sheep could read.

Now, I am not a suspicious man by nature, but I cannot help noticing that the bear’s denied a sandwich for his own moral development, while a citizen may receive one for theirs. The bear, it seems, must cultivate self-reliance, while the citizen, apparently, is spared this inconvenience.

I do not pretend to resolve this contradiction. I merely admire it.

It takes a certain genius to manage two truths so confidently opposed without either one blushing. If nothing else, it proves we are a compassionate nation, especially toward animals.