The Old Blog in the Desert

In a stunning development from the cookie sheet, Oatmeal Cookies with Raisins unveiled their bold new “Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins Values Restoration Act” today, a sweeping bill that would criminalize Non-Oatmeal Cookies with Raisens, mandate Oatmeal Cookies with Raisins in public schools, and require all Oatmeal Cookies with Walnuts to attend weekly Oatmeal Cookie with Walnuts services, unless, of course, sitting on an Oatmeal Cookie with Walnuts facing Oatmeal Cookie with Walnuts probes.

“Oatmeal Cookies with Raisens are the bedrock of Oatmeal Cookies,” declared Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins at a press conference, flanked by portraits of Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins and a suspiciously large Oatmeal Cookie with Raisen flag.

“We must protect Oatmeal Cookies with Raisins at all costs.”

When asked about the three Oatmeal Cookies with Cinnamon among the co-sponsors—including one Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins, whose ex-Oatmeal Cookie with Pecans publicly accused him of infidelity with a plain Oatmeal Cookie staffer—Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins waved off the question.

“That’s personal,” he said. “This is about the Oatmeal Cookies with Raisins policy.”

The legislation includes a special exemption clause, buried on page 47, for “elected Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins demonstrating exceptional service to the nation,” defined loosely as “any Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins who has ever voted to cut taxes on Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins.”

Oatmeal Cookies on the other half of the cookie sheet called it peak hypocrisy, but Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins hailed it as “common-sense Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins.”

Meanwhile, at a nearby Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins fundraiser, former Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins praised the bill as “tremendous, really tremendous,” before joking to donors, “If Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins ever tries to leave, we’ll just make it illegal—problem solved!”

Plain Oatmeal Cookie groups immediately filed lawsuits, arguing the bill violates all Oatmeal Cookie recipes, basic logic, and the non-separation of Oatmeal and Cookies.

Plain Oatmeal Cookie summed it up: “The Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins’ idea of Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins values: Protect the nuclear Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins—unless it’s ours.”

Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins is expected to pass the Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins bill on a straight Oatmeal Cookie line vote, with exemptions for Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins who own plain Oatmeal Cookies.