Grandpa’s Rodent Problem

Grandpa had a rodent problem; namely, gophers everywhere in his yard. He was so proud of his yard, but the gophers did not know this. If they had, they would have stayed away.

Now Grandpa was getting pretty up set with the gophers and he set about trying to chase, catch or kill them anyway he could. He tried putting golf balls in their holes. He tried placing rattraps in them at night.

Those never did work except for the time one caught Grandpa’s black lab, Barney on the nose. Grandpa just about woke the entire neighbor hood chasing him around. Barney sure looked funny with that rattrap on the end of his nose. Barney was never quite right after that. If Grandpa snapped a toothpick in half, Barney would head for the high country.

The traps did not work and plugging up their holes did not work either. Grandpa was just about to give up when the next-door neighbor, Mr. Breedon gave him a great idea. Mr. Breedon had read about a way to get rid of gophers back when he was twenty.

The instructions were simple. Mr. Breedon told Grandpa to get a pint of gasoline and a gallon of water, then pour the water down the gopher hole and let it soak in a little. After that Grandpa was told to pour the gasoline down the same hole. All that needed to be done after that was to light the gopher hole on fire. “The gasoline is going to go further down the hole since gas and water don’t mix, Greg.” Mr. Breedon finished.

Grandpa understood. He was going to burn the gophers out.

Grandpa grabbed his walking stick and left out the gate for the gas station down the road. He returned home with a borrowed five gallon can full of gasoline. Then he went straight to work pulling his garden hose out running it down a gopher hole and then turned on the water. He could hear the water gushing down deep inside the ground.

Then Grandpa went inside to have his lunch.

After lunch, Grandpa went out to his tool shed and rummaged around until he found the funnel he used for filling John Popper. John Popper was his old yellow and red tractor that sat in the dairy barn in the pasture.

Grandpa turned off the water and pulled the hose out of the gopher hole. He replaced it with the funnel. Then he slowly poured the gasoline down the hole. The smell of gas was everywhere.

Then he reached deep down into the pocket of his bibbers and pulled out his pipe matches. Grandpa lit it and dropped it into the hole. Nothing happened as Grandpa stood there with both hands in his pockets. He stared at the gopher hole. Still nothing happened.

Grandpa sighed and muttered a couple of cuss words to himself and walked over to the first step of the porch. Barney sat next to him. The dog cocked his head and looked at Grandpa then back at the hole wondering what his master was up to.

Suddenly, Barney’s ears perked up and his eyes grew wide. Then he bolted as a sharp whining noise started. It turned into a shrill whistle and Barney could be heard howling as he headed for the high country.

Ka-pow! Ka-pow! Ka-pow!

Three gopher holes erupted into flame, spitting debris everywhere; fiery chunks of old corncobs, twigs and rock came pouring out of the ground.

There was more whistling and whining. Grandpa thought about following Barney to the high country. But he couldn’t because his beautiful yard was exploding with hot gopher gatherings and burning gopher holes.

Grandpa stomped on one patch of fire after another. He ran from one popping gopher hole to the next. He cussed a blue streak as each new hole spewed forth more fire, smoke and rubble.

Then as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Grandpa was exhausted and confused. Barney was clear to Oregon by then and the yard was a green and brown patch quilt mess.

Then the bone-chilling whine started in again. Ka-pow!

Grandpa was off and stomping. He had never seen a rose explode before; its red petals scattering in the smoky air and landing only to be blown into the air again. This went on from afternoon until early evening.

That night Grandpa sat on the top step of his porch and watched the sun set. He looked over at Barney, who sat very nervously by his side, sigh heavily and shook his head. He wasn’t upset over destroying his yard. He was disgusted that he didn’t have a single gopher to show for all his trouble.

The following day Grandpa left early. He wandered over to Mr. Breedon’s ranch. He wanted to tell him about what happened, but as he entered the gate Grandpa noticed a gopher hole.