Bought myself a new book.
It is the story of my life.
Made of tiny pieces.
Assembly’s required.

Noah looked like an idiot, until it began raining.

Everyone told Beethoven that he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf.  He didn’t listen.

The two most dangerous places to be in the U.S. are in a law enforcement uniform and a woman’s womb.

Adam Levine shows-off both nipples during his Superbowl performance and yet Janet Jackson only gets to expose one. Hypocrisy!

“So you’ve been reading Mother Goose, huh?” Grandpa asked.

“Yup,” answered his eight-year-old grandson, “Though I don’t understand the one about the old lady living in a shoe with all those kids.”

“What don’t you get?”

“How she fit everybody in a shoe.”

“Would it help if I told you the old lady was actually a prison warden and the kids were really inmates?”

“No. I still don’t get it.”

“Well, what if I told you the shoe they lived in was a Secure Housing Unit or S-H-U, for short?”

“Oh, now I get it!”

The retired corrections officer smiled.

I am a writer because I believe in me. Believe in yourself and soon others will too!

Alice watched as the white rabbit bounced through the garden, pausing in the grass. He looked at the watch in his paw.

“Oh, my!” he exclaimed, “I’m late for a very important date!”

Tucking the watch back where he had it, the rabbit hopped twice more before a pistol shot rang out. Alice ducked and when she lifted her head, the rabbit lay still on the ground.

“Good shot, Watson!” shouted the taller man.

“Why would you shoot such an innocent white rabbit?” Alice cried.

“Innocent?” replied the shorter man, “Why dear girl, that rabbit stole Mr. Holmes’ pocket watch!”

In summer of 2002, it was night-time and I was asleep on the ground. I rolled over and got stung below my right eye by an Arizona Bark Scorpion.

My face swelled up and all that jazz. Once the swelling went away, I was left with a small bump that kind of looked like a pimple, but nothing ever came out of it.

This morning though, the bump actually looked like it had a head, so I gave it a good squeeze. Much too my surprise, the stinger from that bastard arachnoid came out of the site.

I’m still grossed out!

It’s easier to illegally get into the U.S. than it is to legally get into the Superbowl.