• Since our body’s are 80-percent water, we’re all jus’ cucumbers — with anxieties.

  • When A Lie Works

    “What are you doing, Dad?”

    “Looking for your turtle.”

    “By falling in the bushes?”

    “I didn’t fall.”

    “Yes, you did – I saw you. You lost your balance and fell.”

    “Naw, I did it on purpose – hoping to scare your turtle out of hiding and make him run from the bushes.”

    “Not only are you bad liar, but turtles can’t really run. Hey! — there’s my turtle!”

    “See, Son — I told you. Now help your old man up.”

  • President Trump played one of those games on Facebook where they randomly give you a ‘new name.’ He got, ‘Anita Wall.’

  • Remember: the worst thing you wrote is far better than the best thing you didn’t write.

  • Advice

    where all vowels fail
    consonants find a lacking
    offer only silence

  • Due to the increased cost of eating out, the sex position known as 69 is now 96.

  • A holy crap moment is that instant when you realize you’re the person your mom warned you about.

  • Jus’ think, your soul mate is out there — somewhere — banging other people.

  • False Alarm

    Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t do spiders. In fact, I’ve been known to run from the tiniest of the eight-legged-freaks and even crawl backwards over sofas and high-backed chairs to escape and evade the little bastards.

    So during my sister-in-law’s last visit, I heard her shout, “Mary, there’s a lizard under the TV stand!”

    Instantly, “Tom! Get in here and catch this lizard!”

    “Gladly!”

    Mary knows I love lizards.

    Quickly, I raced to the front room, heading for the stand without even needing to be instructed where to go. Our home is small like that – and unnaturally — we have only the one television.

    Dropping to my stomach, right ear pressed to the hardwood floor, I looked under the stand. I heard myself squeak in an ultra high-pitched frequency as I shot to my feet and backed away.

    “Spider! Big-ass-fucking-hairy-son-of-a-bitch!” I sputtered.

    In response, Mary grabbed the broom from the coat closet, deftly slid the stand out-of-the-way and like a warrior of old, readied to do battle with the beast. But she could find neither a lizard nor a spider.

    Instead — there near her cedar chest and the wall lolled a lone woolly-booger made of dust and dog shed.

  • A spider crawled across my hand and now I’m using ‘Google’ to figure out how to remove a fork without doing more damage.