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There is no more solemn a sound than a neighbor’s rooster heralding the dawn of a celestial upheaval. That was when My Cousin Elmo stumbled into my study, clutching a newspaper and muttering about Pluto “reigning” and Aquarians rising from their watery depths. Or something of that sort.

“Tom,” he panted–for that is what he calls me when he’s not calling me a fool), “have you heard the news? Pluto is in Aquarius! The Golden Age begins!”

Elmo is a man of many peculiarities, but the most notable is his unique ability to declare each Tuesday the beginning of a Golden Age. But this time, he seemed unusually sincere.

I took the paper from him and read aloud: “The 20-year reign of Pluto in Aquarius begins today, ushering in the Golden Age. The last time this happened was during the French Revolution.”

“Well, El,” I said, folding the paper neatly, “if you’re implying that Pluto—a frozen rock the size of an ambitious potato—is capable of fomenting revolutions and birthing Golden Ages, then I must insist on being paid for my time.”

But Elmo was undeterred. “Don’t you see, Tom? This means transformation! Rebirth! Progress!”

“Progress?” I scoffed. “The last time Pluto stirred Aquarius, they guillotined half of France and invented powdered wigs so large they required scaffolding. If that’s progress, count me out.”

Elmo, bless him, ignored me entirely, already lost in visions of a utopia where robots fetched slippers and every man, woman, and Aquarian owned a flying wagon.

The days that followed were a spectacle of celestial hysteria. The astrologers, who previously couldn’t agree on whether Venus in retrograde meant ruin or romance, suddenly aligned, like the planets themselves. They proclaimed the dawn of a new era: an age where humanity would transcend greed, embrace innovation, and recycle with religious fervor.

People prepared for this Golden Age in earnest. Blacksmiths abandoned their forges to dabble in artificial intelligence. Farmers replanted their fields with quinoa, the alleged grain of the future. Even my Aunt Clementine—who once mistook a telephone pole for a prophet—declared her intent to “streamline society” by sorting her knitting needles by planetary influence.

Meanwhile, I looked into this Pluto business. I consulted books, maps, and a parrot at the general store–the parrot was far more informative than the books. I came away knowing Pluto moves so slowly that it has seen civilizations rise, fall, and invent karaoke without blinking. That it happens to be in Aquarius now is less a sign of destiny and more a sign that even celestial bodies occasionally need a change of scenery.

By the end of the first week of Pluto’s “reign,” the cracks in the Golden Age began to show. The farmers lamented that quinoa tasted like soybeans. The blacksmiths’ attempts at robotics yielded nothing but smoking piles of metal, and Aunt Clementine accidentally invented a sweater so itchy it sparked a small revolution at the knitting circle.

Elmo returned to my study, disheveled and disillusioned. “Tom,” he said mournfully, “I don’t understand. The astrologers promised transformation, rebirth, progress!”

“Ah, El,” I replied, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Transformation is a fickle thing. It doesn’t come from planets or potatoes in space. It comes from people doing their best to make sense of the messes they create.” I looked around my study with a guilty eye.

“But the Golden Age…”

“Golden Ages,” I said with a chuckle, “are like Aunt Clementine’s sweaters—nice in theory, but prone to unraveling.”

And so, the world returned to its usual state of hopeful chaos. The astrologers revised their predictions, the farmers returned to their corn, and Pluto carried on its icy way, indifferent to the human melodrama it had sparked.

As for me, I learned a valuable lesson–if you want to survive a Golden Age, keep your head low, your wits sharp, and your skepticism sharper because while the stars may guide us–it’s usually off a cliff.

(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

[Verse 1]
Turkey in the oven,
Potatoes on the stove,
Family’s coming over,
And they’re bringing casseroles!
The table’s set with care,
With sides of every kind,
But Grandma brought her fruitcake,
Which we’ll pretend to find!

[Chorus]
Oh, turkey time, gravy’s fine,
Pass the mashed potatoes,
Green beans, pies, and sweet surprise—
Let’s wear our stretchy clothes!
Oh, turkey time, pumpkin pie,
Let’s all go back for more,
We’ll nap all day, then feast away—
And hit the leftovers!

[Verse 2]
Uncle Bob’s asleep now,
The kids have formed a band,
Aunt Betty brought her Jell-O mold,
But no one understands.
The football’s on the screen,
Our bellies round and tight,
We made it through the meal once more—
Leftovers start tonight!

[Chorus]
Oh, turkey time, gravy’s fine,
Pass the mashed potatoes,
Green beans, pies, and sweet surprise—
Let’s wear our stretchy clothes!
Oh, turkey time, pumpkin pie,
Let’s all go back for more,
We’ll nap all day, then feast away—
And hit the leftovers!

‘Twas gleamish in the land of Flimflam,
Where shimmer-shadows swayed,
And there did bound the Zogblot proud,
Through gumdrop groves, he strayed.

With a teapot head all polished bright,
And feet like a duck’s bold flippers,
His kangaroo body sprung with glee,
Past giggleberry drippers.

In leaps, he went to the Wobble Tree,
Where squeaky bananas grew,
With giggling jam, he gobbled them down—
A feast for one so true.

On a dappled Tuesday rife with cheer,
The Great Puddle called his name—
A lake of swirling lemonade,
With marshmallows aflame.

There sung a choir of jellybeans,
Their voices sharp and shrill,
While Zogblot watched in dazzled awe,
As the world grew stranger still.

From peppermint ’neath the towering sprout,
Popped Squibber, all agog,
With three keen eyes and a twitching tail
That played tunes fit for a fog.

“Come, friend!” cried Squibber, “Let us play!”
And Wibble-Wobble commenced;
One-footed hops, with pineapples tossed—
The challenge grew intense!

They danced and twirled ’neath silver moons,
As bowler-snails drew near,
Sir Slimebottom with riddles grand
To test their cunning cheer:

“Why does the rainbow snatch a hat,
To wear at night’s first glance?”
“To twirl and whirl in glee unfurled
At the grand spaghetti dance!”

Oh, Zogblot’s laugh rang out in peals,
And Squibber’s tail played true,
As laughter drifted down the moors,
Where dreams in wobbles flew.

Then dawn brought songbirds Tickle-Tockle,
With chirps, hoots, twills, and trills,
And Candyfloss Flowers swayed in bloom
O’er sugar-sprinkled hills.

When a portal shimmered forth anew,
With colors wild and strange,
Zogblot leapt in—his heart ablaze
For sights beyond his range.

The Land of Wubblewinks unfurled,
With cloud beds soft and sweet,
And gumdrop leaves in whisper-trees
Where rainbow sparkles meet.

There buzzed the Wubblewinks in flight,
With faces bright and fair,
They twirled him round to Queen Luminara,
Of wings beyond compare.

A Festival of Whimsy grand
Filled skies with gleam and light,
Where fizzy drinks sent hearts aloft,
And shoes turned colors bright.

In parades, he rode on llamas bold,
With stardust like a crown,
Confetti spun like comet tails,
Through blue and purple down.

At last, the portals called him back,
To Flimflam’s hills once more,
With marshmallow turtle and crown of stars
He danced through the evening’s door.

’Twas gleamish in the land of Flimflam,
And magic filled the air,
For in his heart, Zogblot did know,
Such wonders hid everywhere.

A recent cybersecurity advisory report has sparked renewed discussions about election security, with Nevada—particularly Washoe County—emerging as a focal point in the debate over the future of voting systems. The report, published by multiple government agencies and highlighted by the FBI, raises concerns about vulnerabilities in digital systems connected to networks, urging improvements to safeguard the integrity of elections.

Washoe County, Nevada’s second-most populated county, has been at the forefront of implementing measures to ensure secure and transparent elections. During the 2024 election cycle, the county only cured 85 percent of mail-in ballots flagged for signature issues, one of the highest rates in the state.

Statewide, about 9,000 mail-in ballots and possibly as high as 15,000 remained uncured by the deadline, leaving them uncounted. While Washoe County cured most of its flagged ballots, critics argue that the broader numbers reveal systemic vulnerabilities in election processes.

The issue has reignited calls for abandoning electronic voting systems in favor of manual precinct-level voting and hand-counting ballots. Proponents of this approach claim it eliminates risks posed by potential hacking and software errors.

Clark County, which accounted for 7,500 uncured ballots, has drawn scrutiny over its lower cure rate compared to counties like Washoe and Nye.

While the cybersecurity report does not allege specific breaches or manipulation of Nevada’s election systems, it highlights the risks posed by outdated software, supply chain vulnerabilities, and zero-day exploits. Election officials in Washoe County and across the state have emphasized their commitment to safeguarding elections, implementing risk-limiting audits, and maintaining secure paper trails to verify results.

The debate over election security remains heated in Nevada, where discussions often center on balancing the efficiency of electronic systems with the perceived reliability of manual processes. Washoe County’s efforts to address ballot issues and secure its systems offer a model for other regions, but the broader challenges of voter confidence and technological vulnerabilities persist.

As Nevada continues to play a pivotal role in national elections, officials in Washoe and across the state will face increasing scrutiny over how they protect the integrity of the voting process. With the spotlight on election security, the push for transparency and improved safeguards will intensify ahead of future election cycles.

Approximately 9,000 mail-in ballots in Nevada will remain uncounted after voters miss the Tuesday, November 12, deadline to resolve signature issues. Election officials reported that while over 23,000 ballots statewide were successfully “cured” before the deadline—representing 72 percent of those requiring corrections—meaning thousands remain disqualified.

Clark County, Nevada’s most populated region, accounted for the most uncured ballots, with about 7,500 remaining. Signature errors, such as missing signatures on return envelopes or discrepancies with voter registration records, were the primary reasons for curing. Election officials attempt to notify affected voters and provide opportunities to fix the errors.

Among the uncured ballots, more than half belonged to voters registered as nonpartisan or members of minor political parties, totaling about 5,144 ballots. Democrats had 1,782 ballots rejected, while Republicans had 2,263 ballots left uncounted.

Nye County demonstrated the highest success rate in curing ballots, resolving 96 percent of outstanding issues, equating to approximately 1,600 ballots. Washoe County followed with an 85 percent success rate, curing around 6,000 ballots. Clark County, however, managed to cure only about 66 percent of them, which would amount to approximately 15,000 uncured votes when correctly calculated.

Fresh allegations of voter fraud have surfaced in Nevada, centered on a proposed constitutional amendment that passed with significant opposition from Republican voters. Critics allege the results were manipulated during the vote-counting process, citing unusual statistical trends in reported data from Washoe County.

The ballot measure, which grants expanded abortion rights up to nine months, has drawn sharp criticism from Republican, pro-life, and conservative organizations. These groups argue that the data behind the vote count, not when cast, reveals discrepancies indicating possible manipulation. According to detractors, Republican “no” votes initially showed overwhelming support at 70 percent but declined to 49 percent when tabulated.

In contrast, Democratic support for the measure remained consistently low throughout the counting process, ranging between five and ten percent. Analysts challenging the results have described this trend as statistically improbable, claiming it exceeds a 100-sigma threshold—a concept denoting extreme improbability in mathematical terms.

Critics have called for immediate action, arguing that if the results are allowed to stand, the amendment will become law, enshrining expanded abortion access into the state constitution. Voting activists urged the GOP, RNC, and pro-life organizations to contest the election, saying that constitutional amendments differ from individual races, making them available to a challenge by anyone.

The controversy has reignited debates about election integrity in Nevada, with some calling for sweeping reforms, including banning electronic vote tabulation systems. Advocates for manual voting methods argue that only hand-counted ballots can ensure transparent and verifiable election outcomes.

Nevada Secretary of State Cisco Aguilar has not yet commented on these new claims, but election officials have previously stood by the state voting processes.

Some people carve up their skin to feel something.
Me? I drown myself in whiskey–straight from the bottle.
Burn it down, scrape it raw.
That’s how it goes.

People slice each other open when they hurt.
I take the hit myself, keep the mess on the inside.
Better me than them.

Said I was too outré, like a foreign language
They didn’t care to learn.
Said I didn’t fit in their soft little world.

Like I’m supposed to care.
Take rejection on the chin–do not flinch, do not blink.
Stiff upper lip and all that shit. I was raised on it,
learned young to spit at the closed door–laugh it off.

But hell, that drive home, pulled over, wiped my eyes,
choked down the loss like smoke in a burning room.
Don’t tell me I got over it. Don’t tell me I found peace.
I still slice myself on whiskey, mean and unforgiving,
and drain the bottle till I feel nothing sharp enough to bleed.

As Washoe County faces growing scrutiny over alleged election mismanagement, Clark County revealed on Thursday, November 14, that 1,600 mail ballots had gone uncounted during this month’s election.

The ballots delayed in the “duplication stage” of processing were later tallied and remained under county control at all times. Officials claim the additional votes did not change the outcome of any races.

The developments in Clark County come as Washoe County battles claims of voter roll mismanagement and allegations of over 100 election violations. These include chain-of-custody breaches and signature verification errors, according to GOP donor Robert Beadles, who has been a vocal critic of Nevada’s election systems.

Beadles’ allegations gained attention after the online publication The Nevada Independent accused him of promoting anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, including claims of global Jewish control. Beadles has not responded to the publication’s characterization of his statements as anti-Semitic or potentially defamatory.

Clark County’s disclosure of uncounted ballots prompted questions about its mail-in ballot duplication process, which involves bipartisan teams replicating ballots unreadable by scanners due to damage or unclear markings. County spokesperson Stephanie Wheatley declined to provide further details, citing the county’s statement as the best available information.

In a letter to Secretary of State Cisco Aguilar, Clark County committed to reviewing its duplication procedures and announced plans for an audit in coordination with state election officials. Aguilar pledged accountability measures to ensure similar errors do not occur in the future.

The uncounted ballots, discovered just one day before statewide election certification, allegedly did not alter results, including the closely watched Ward 2 race for North Las Vegas City Council. Incumbent Ruth Garcia-Anderson’s lead narrowed slightly, from nine votes to eight, but remained decisive.

The Nevada Republican Party criticized Clark County’s handling of the election and called for greater transparency, arguing the error raised “serious questions” about the administration of mail ballots. Meanwhile, statewide data showed the rejection of over 9,000 ballots due to voters failing to cure mismatched signatures by the statutory deadline.

In Washoe County, Beadles’ accusations have continued to place pressure on the lack of election integrity within the county. Beadles has claimed widespread irregularities and alleged that Democrats manipulated the U.S. Senate race against Republican Sam Brown, who conceded last week after losing to Senator Jacky Rosen.

The 2024 election cycle in Nevada has seen fewer public disputes over voter fraud compared to 2020, partly attributed to Donald Trump’s victory in the state this year. However, administrative errors like those in Clark and Washoe Counties ensure that election integrity remains a polarizing issue in Nevada’s political landscape.

The Washoe County Commission certified the 2024 general election in a contentious 3-1 vote, with Commissioner Mike Clark abstaining due to what he described as a conflict of interest. Clark was not present for the vote, leaving the meeting following a heated exchange over the county’s handling of election-related issues. Commissioners Alexis Hill, Mariluz Garcia, and Clara Andriola voted in favor of certification, while Commissioner Jeanne Herman voted against it, continuing her pattern of opposing election certification.

The certification process came with sharp disputes over the integrity of the election, particularly regarding nearly 29,000 registered voters who were not reclassified as inactive by the federally mandated 90-day deadline before the election. The failure resulted in ballots sent to those voters, a point of contention raised by Clark.

In questioning Election Specialist Addie Vetter, Clark sought clarification on why the county missed the deadline, but Hill interrupted, accusing him of making unfounded accusations against election staff. Clark responded forcefully, stating, “Quit interrupting me. I am not accusing anyone. If a question is raised, you always have to censor speech. That is not going to happen with me. I want to know why the County Manager had this information and this information wasn’t shared with me until today. Why wasn’t this done by the federal statutory deadline?”

Hill did not respond to Clark’s comment. He then left the meeting, later issuing a statement apologizing to Washoe County residents for what he described as the county’s failure to ensure fairness and transparency in the election process.

The issues raised by Clark included duplicate ballots sent to voters, chain-of-custody concerns for ballots, and irregularities in signature verification. He also criticized the county’s implementation of a new voting system, alleging a lack of preparation and inadequate staff training. Clark pointed to the absence of leadership during the election period, with the Interim Registrar of Voters placed on administrative leave and County Manager Eric Brown on medical leave.

Despite these concerns, Hill and the majority of the commission proceeded with certification, praising the hard work of election staff and volunteers. Hill also dismissed claims of systemic election flaws, stating that the process met legal and procedural standards.

Clark’s claims have again fueled calls for a full audit of the county’s election systems and processes. Meanwhile, Washoe County faces the prospect of an employment lawsuit tied to removing Interim Registrar of Voters Carri-Anne Burgess, adding to the mounting tension surrounding election management.

Perhaps I am unwell, further sickened, most notably by the fact that I write too much–or do I not write enough–and how will the story end?

I sit here in this dusty room, the sun’s last dying rays filtering through the grimy windows, casting shadows that dance like ghosts around me. The typewriter stares back at me, a silent judge of my excesses and inadequacies.

The bottle on the table is half-empty—or is it half-full? And who the fuck cares?

The whiskey burns its way down, a reminder that I am alive and still feel. Outside, life hums its usual dirge of misery and madness, a constant backdrop to the solitary symphony of my damn existence.

I think about the stories written, the words spilled like blood on the page. Each one a confession, a scream in the dark. Too much, not enough, always the same damn questions. But the answers? They elude me, dancing just out of reach like the fleeting affections of a passing lover.

The typewriter remains silent, the words stubbornly trapped between my mind and fingertips. Perhaps they are afraid to come out–to face the same scrutiny I face. Or maybe they abandoned me, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the ghosts of stories that might have been.

If I smoked, I imagine the smoke from the cigarette I lit would curl up in lazy tendrils, blending with the shadows of my room. The clock on the wall, ticking away, indifferent to my struggle, each second a reminder of my mortality.

And how would the story end? I don’t know and don’t fucking care.