There’s nothing quite like being jolted awake by a smoke detector at one in the morning. It’s like having a fire drill in your pajamas, except you’re the only student, and the building you’re supposed to evacuate is your own house. At first, I thought it was part of a dream. The sharp, shrill beeping…

When I first woke up, I thought I was dying. It wasn’t a dramatic thought, at least not at first. I’d come to, groggy and stiff, with a strange sticky sensation on my hip and a smell that could have been sweet despair. For a moment, I thought the inevitable had arrived, and I was…

Old Henry had a habit that made people chuckle, shake their heads, or both. He never, under any circumstance, walked past a penny on the ground. Didn’t matter if it was heads or tails, shiny or green with age, half-buried in gum, or stuck in a grocery store parking lot crack. If Henry spotted copper,…

Earl Jenkins wasn’t what you’d call a bright man, but he made up for it with enthusiasm, persistence, and an impressive lack of self-preservation. Folks in town said he was born under a lucky star, mostly because he was still alive after 62 years of bad ideas. One fine Saturday morning, Earl decided he was…

Harold never asked for much out of life, just a quiet morning, a warm cup of coffee, and a day that didn’t require him to speak to customer service. But as life often does, it had other plans. It started when his coffee maker decided to test its loyalty. It wasn’t one of those fancy…

They say opinions are like buttholes, everybody’s got one, and nobody really wants to hear yours unless it agrees with theirs. That’s fine enough wisdom for a bumper sticker, but Hank Dillard had taken it a step further. He believed the real trouble with the world wasn’t that folks had opinions, it was that they…

The time has come for me to look for a new blogging platform. WordPress does not seem to value those who blog on a regular basis. No, they rather make it near-impossible to write and edit in the classic style. And Lord hilp you if you decide to go and change your appearance. Forget about…

Because Scotty Wheelon said that anytime someone wants to talk politics, we should discuss Oatmeal Cookies instead… In a stunning development from the cookie sheet, Oatmeal Cookies with Raisins unveiled their bold new “Oatmeal Cookie with Raisins Values Restoration Act” today, a sweeping bill that would criminalize Non-Oatmeal Cookies with Raisens, mandate Oatmeal Cookies with…

Franklin Weller had never been good at wrapping presents. Oh, he’d tried, Lord knows he’d tried, but his gifts always looked wrapped by a mild earthquake. Corners bunched up, tape stuck to everything except the paper, and bows were a luxury he abandoned after the Great Ribbon Incident of ’09. Still, Franklin loved giving gifts.…

Mildred Jenkins had lived on Maple Street for thirty-seven years without once being asked for her opinion on anything. She wasn’t the sort to volunteer it, either. Mildred was a watcher, one of those gentle, nearly invisible souls who move through the world without causing a ripple. She kept her lawn neat, her curtains straight,…