Modern Safety Instructions

The two newest fads youngsters are doing are beyond the pale. Civilization once handed down useful wisdom such as “work hard,” “mind your manners,” and “don’t whistle near the mule.”

Now we are forced to issue emergency declarations informing young adults not to drink motor oil like a seasonal beverage. Somewhere in America, a lawyer has probably already printed warning labels large enough to be seen from orbit, and before long every quart bottle will read: “NOT A SMOOTHIE.”

The tragedy is not merely that someone attempted it, but that enough people attempted it to justify a public warning campaign.

There was a time when natural selection handled these matters quietly and efficiently. A fellow would perform an experiment involving poor judgment and gravity, and the lesson would spread through town by supper.

But modern society has developed a passionate commitment to preserving bad ideas long enough for them to reproduce on social media. And while we are distributing advice formerly understood without discussion, permit me to add another important safety bulletin: Do not stick a cactus up your ass.

I apologize for the direct language; being subtle has failed us as a species.

A cactus is not medical equipment. It is not recreational equipment either. It is a desert plant specifically engineered by the Almighty, evolution, depending on your political affiliation, to discourage touching.

The cactus settled this question long ago by covering itself in needles. Nature could not have posted a clearer sign unless it hired a union carpenter and erected billboards along the highway.

Yet here we are.

Somewhere tonight, a hospital intern is living through an experience that will permanently alter his faith in humanity. Somewhere, a nurse is saying, “We need you to be honest about how this happened,” while a young adult, in tears, explains that social media fame got the better of them.

The old world had pirates, outlaws, and frontier gunfighters. The modern world has incorrect warning labels and emergency-room statistics.
Progress marches on with its usual dignity.