A Treatment for National Treasure III

AHave you ever had one of those days when the world is just a little too ridiculous to ignore? The kind where your morning coffee hasn’t even cooled down, and already the internet is shouting, “Bondi says there never was an Epstein client list.”

But here is my solution. I’m a fan of National Treasure. The first one had everything I like in a movie–dusty libraries, forgotten maps, Revolutionary secrets, and Nicolas Cage talking like every sentence is the most consequential sentence ever uttered by man.

The second one? A little wilder, but still fun. He kidnaps the President—not in a hostile way, more like “let’s go explore a tunnel under Mount Rushmore, sir.” And the President’s just like, “Well, alright.”

But now, if this third movie rumor holds water, we’re trading in ancient scrolls and Liberty Bells for something far spicier–the Epstein client list.

I don’t know about you, but I can already picture it.

Scene opens with Nicolas Cage whispering dramatically in the National Archives, “The truth isn’t lost. It’s hidden… in the President’s panic room.”

Then he yanks down a painting of George Washington riding a velociraptor (because why not?) to reveal a retinal scanner that only responds to someone who’s both a Freemason and once owned a copy of the Declaration of Independence. And of course, our man qualifies.

It all sounds a little far-fetched—except that with Nicolas Cage, somehow, it isn’t.

Now, I imagine halfway through the movie, there’s a chase scene through the White House kitchen, where he slips on a pat of butter while dodging Secret Service agents. He slides past the Roosevelt Room, right into the Lincoln Bedroom, shouting, “Abe would want me to finish this!” before diving headfirst into a laundry chute that just so happens to lead directly into the vault.

Of course, there’ll be a sidekick—probably someone named Chip or Liberty—with a PhD in 18th-century encryption and a podcast about aliens. The comedic relief, naturally, is the National Security Advisor played by Steve Buscemi, who keeps mumbling, “I told ‘em not to store the list next to the Truman bowling alley.”

Now, I don’t claim to know what’s on that infamous list, and I’m not trying to start any conspiracies. But I do think if anyone could get to the bottom of it, it’d be Nicolas Cage with a flashlight, a half-torn clue from a cereal box, and a whole lot of whisper-yelling.

Would I watch it?

You bet your powdered wig I would. With a bucket of popcorn and a look of stunned admiration on my face. Because sometimes, you have to lean into the madness and enjoy the ride.

And if Nicolas Cage does steal the list? I hope he finds a second vault underneath it—one filled with Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet, Elvis’s gym membership card, and the original recipe for Crystal Pepsi.

Hey, it’s National Treasure III. Anything’s possible.