Nevada Politicians Attempt to Thwart the Sun;

Sun Remains Unimpressed

In a bold stroke of legislative brilliance, Nevada lawmakers have set their sights on one of humanity’s most enduring adversaries–the movement of time itself. A bill to end the twice-yearly ritual of jostling clocks forward and back—an exercise responsible for lost sleep, general confusion, and an annual spike in coffee sales—has emerged from committee with bipartisan support and a name as catchy as a snake oil advertisement– the “Lock the Clock” Act.

Democratic Assemblywoman Selena La Rue Hatch of Reno, along with Republican Senator Robin Titus, have put aside political squabbles long enough to declare war on the ticking hands of time.

“This bill is not just about folks who are irked over losing an hour of sleep,” La Rue Hatch assured, presumably aware that being irked over lost sleep is a long-standing American tradition. “There are real health consequences tied to shifting the clocks twice a year.”

Indeed, advocates of the bill claim that the biannual time change causes upticks in strokes, heart attacks, car crashes, workplace blunders, and even schoolchildren nodding off in arithmetic class. In response to these dire consequences, the legislation proposes that Nevada will ‘fall back’ in November one last time before planting its boots firmly on standard time forevermore—no congressional approval required.

Supporters of the measure, including the Nevada Public Health Association, insist that ending the madness will lead to a healthier, more well-rested populace. However, not everyone is convinced.

A pediatrician testified that eliminating daylight saving time might lead to an increase in violent crime, a claim which, if true, suggests that Nevada’s criminals operate exclusively by the sundial and are merely waiting for the correct hour to strike.

Still, La Rue Hatch remains confident that the broader evidence supports the bill’s merits. The full Assembly may soon take a vote, with an April 22 deadline looming.

If the measure passes, Nevadans may finally get free of the tyranny of arbitrary clock changes—but whether they will know what time it is remains to be seen.