The Unparalleled Wisdom of Brandon Blount

There are men born with the sense of a barn owl, men graced with the common sense of a fence post, and then there is Brandon Blount—a man whose thought process, if it can be called such, operates on a plane of reality not yet charted by science.

Mr. Blount, a 39-year-old specimen hailing from Nevada, recently undertook an odyssey across this fine nation, choosing as his chariot not a modest station wagon, nor even an ill-advised minivan, but instead the noble and spacious confines of a U-Haul truck. Not content to merely ferry furniture or household goods, Mr. Blount—who, one presumes, has never once consulted a map, a rulebook, or a scrap of his conscience—decided to cram his seven daughters into the said vehicle, dispersing them in a manner one might expect from a man accustomed to packing crates rather than caring for children.

On March 25 in East Ridge, Tennessee, the local constabulary received an alarming report–an individual shoveling children into the back of a U-Haul, like sacks of potatoes. Now, while the human race has made questionable transportation decisions—consider, if you will, the historic perils of the covered wagon—this particular method lacked both necessity and dignity.

Officers, ever diligent in pursuit of justice and baffling stupidity, soon located the rolling nursery on I-75 northbound. Upon halting the vehicle, they discovered Blount at the helm, two of his unfortunate offspring riding up front like proper passengers, and the remaining five enjoying the unventilated, shock-absorbing splendor of the cargo hold.

After confirming that this was not, in fact, a surreal misunderstanding but rather the full scope of Blount’s plan, the authorities saw fit to relieve him of his paternal responsibilities, placing him under arrest on multiple counts of child endangerment and neglect. The Tennessee Department of Children’s Services, accustomed to sorting out the misdeeds of the misguided, whisked the children away for medical evaluation.

And so, Mr. Blount now sits in the company of others who have mistaken reckless foolishness for ingenuity, no doubt wondering why society refuses to acknowledge his brilliance. One can only hope that the time spent in reflection will yield some understanding of why people ain’t freight.