A Fine Example of Domestic Bliss

Brought to You by Sheer Neglect

In a grand tour of child-rearing ingenuity, two aspiring candidates for the Worst Parents of the Year got arrested after officers discovered their domestic arrangements could double as a cautionary tale.

One Mr. Dontre Durel Calhoun, aged 31, and his equally responsible counterpart, Ms. Jasmine Delgado, aged 24, found themselves in the tender embrace of the Carson City Sheriff’s Office after law enforcement stumbled upon the sort of living conditions that make Dickensian orphanages look downright cozy.

The saga began with an old-fashioned domestic dispute—three people in a one-bedroom apartment engaging in that timeless art of yelling at one another. Deputies arrived to restore order and–as fate would have it, were granted permission to search for a lost phone.

Instead, they found a two-year-old child in a playpen, blissfully unaware that her world consisted of a marijuana bong, a set of kitchen knives teetering precariously overhead, and a backpack full of mystery goodies—later revealed to contain enough dispensary bags to make a seasoned hippie weep with joy.

The playpen, a veritable wonderland of neglect, contained an old sweatshirt, stale food crumbs, and a sippy cup filled with curdled milk—perfect for a growing child with a taste for gastrointestinal distress. Meanwhile, the rest of the apartment appeared to have been decorated in the ever-popular “Disaster Chic” style, featuring piles of trash, dirty dishes, and enough scattered clothing to outfit a small village.

Not to be outdone, the resident furniture arrangement included an air mattress bravely holding the doorway hostage and a crockpot—yes, a crockpot—perched on a microwave just 14 inches from the child’s grasp. As any seasoned parent will tell you, nothing spices up childcare like a boiling pot of stew within arm’s reach of a toddler.

Further investigation turned up an impressive liquor cabinet under the bed, consisting of vodka bottles, an empty Buzzball container, an ashtray of cigarette butts, and a delightful Sunkist cocktail laced with alcohol—because nothing screams “child-friendly” like a liquor drink within crawling distance.

Ever the gallant gentleman, Calhoun claimed ownership of these items and even admitted purchasing the vodka. His chivalry, however, did not extend to keeping the place fit for human habitation.

With the curdled milk, alcohol buffet, hot crockpot hazard, and the aura of wretchedness well-documented, deputies did the only sensible thing and hauled both esteemed guardians off to jail on felony child endangerment charges. Their bail, set at $40,000 apiece, is a small price for their contribution to the “What Not to Do” chapter of Parenting 101.

The Division of Child and Family Services swooped in to rescue the young girl from this carnival of chaos, later releasing her into the custody of her godmother, presumably someone with a better understanding of the concept of basic hygiene and safety.

And so concludes yet another thrilling installment of “What on Earth Were They Thinking?”—a tale of woe, wretchedness, and one exceedingly fortunate child who now has a chance at a better life, thanks to the fine folks at law enforcement and good old-fashioned common sense.