The Astonishing Benefits of Being Less Qualified

A Modern Business Strategy

Nevada Attorney General Aaron Ford, a man of such exceptional virtue that one might suspect him of sainthood were he not so tragically confined to the legal profession, has joined hands with 16 of his fellow state prosecutors to bring us a revelation of the age: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) is not only lawful but downright essential to business success. Yes, dear reader, it turns out that the secret to a “legally compliant and thriving workplace” is not, as some old-fashioned folks might believe, hiring the best person for the job, but rather ensuring that one’s hiring practices resemble a grand game of Bingo—where the winner is determined not by merit, but by the precise arrangement of demographic checkboxes.

According to General Ford, the recent attacks on DEI are “incorrect and disingenuous information.” It is a relief, for many of us were beginning to suspect that selecting employees based on factors other than their abilities might have some slight drawbacks.

But no! DEI, we are assured, makes businesses financially stronger and gives them an advantage over their competitors. How, you ask? Well, through the brilliant strategy of ensuring that companies are “reflective of the communities they serve,” rather than, say, competent at what they do.

One might ask forgiveness for thinking that history is replete with evidence that businesses thrive when they hire the most skilled and capable. And the quaint notions of merit and experience were misguided relics of a bygone era. As it turns out, the modern business model is less about skill and more about ensuring the appropriate level of chromatic diversity in the company holiday photo.

Ford also takes a moment to denounce political actors who oppose DEI, accusing them of seeking to “keep us divided.” It is an interesting stance, considering DEI programs are all about constantly categorizing, separating, and sorting according to immutable traits in the name of social justice.

The logic is simple: the way to end discrimination is to focus even harder on race, gender, and every conceivable identity marker—sort of like putting out a fire by dousing it in kerosene.

He is also quite vexed with President Trump, who suggests hiring based on merit rather than identity might be a reasonable course of action. Ford assures us, however, that DEI is not unlawful hiring—perish the thought. It merely “focuses on ensuring that businesses can recruit, hire, and retain qualified employees” while prioritizing race, gender, and other factors over those pesky things like experience, skill, or performance.

You see, it’s all about balance—ensuring that the workplace is both inclusive and exclusive at the same time. It is a true marvel of modern logic.

And so, we must tip our hats to Ford for his tireless efforts to educate us poor, unenlightened souls. For too long, businesses have been shackled by the tyranny of qualifications, laboring under the outdated belief that knowledge and ability were the chief ingredients of success.

Thanks to DEI, we know that the real key is ensuring a properly curated workforce, arranged with the precision of a Victorian parlor display—ornamental, diverse, and ideally, incapable of independent thought.

One can only hope Ford’s next great endeavor will be to extend these principles beyond the workplace.

Yes, progress marches on. And with it, the comforting assurance that one’s livelihood, safety, and economic future are in the capable hands of a system that values appearance over ability.

What could go wrong?