A Most Dastardly Crime

In yet another triumph of modern law enforcement, officers in South Lake Tahoe have courageously apprehended a most heinous criminal—a man wearing body armor. That’s right, not robbing a bank, not brandishing a weapon, not assaulting an innocent bystander—just the unspeakable act of trying not to get shot.

The villain in question, one Gabriel Evans, is no stranger to crime, having dabbled in such pastimes as bank robbery, domestic violence, and assault with deadly weapons. Now, however, the authorities have finally nailed him for the gravest offense of all–possessing level 3 body armor, an item so dangerous that it can stop bullets but, apparently, not the long arm of California’s bureaucratic justice.

The South Lake Tahoe Police Department, in a display of investigative prowess rarely seen outside a detective novel, suspected Evans might have body armor and launched an immediate investigation—because nothing threatens public safety like a felon choosing not to be riddled with holes. After an exhaustive search of his storage unit, their suspicions were confirmed.

Shortly thereafter, Evans was at Lake Tahoe Community College, where he attempted to make a daring escape—by getting on a bus. Yes, when confronted by officers, this career criminal resorted to the most cunning of getaway plans–public transportation.

To think of the mayhem that might have ensued had he successfully reached his destination—a library, perhaps, or a local coffee shop. Fortunately, the ever-vigilant officers of the SLTPD foiled this nefarious scheme, and Evans was in custody before he could commit the unthinkable crime of sitting on a bus.

One must applaud the priorities of the modern justice system. In an era where the streets teem with unpunished looters, repeat offenders get let off with a slap on the wrist, and certain officials seem more concerned with plastic straws than violent crime, we can all rest easy knowing that the state has devoted its resources to ensuring that convicted felons remain perfectly defenseless.