The Great Nevada Egg Panic of 2025, Or

Bureaucracy Conspires to Scramble Our Breakfasts

The esteemed legislators of Nevada, in their infinite wisdom and boundless efficiency, will convene on Monday to tackle the most pressing crisis of our times: the unconscionable price of eggs. Assembly Bill 171, a gallant effort to rein in the misdeeds of the villainous H5N1 bird flu virus, proposes granting the State Quarantine Officer the power to suspend Nevada’s cage-free egg law and thereby flood the state with an emergency supply of good old-fashioned, unencumbered eggs.

For those unfamiliar with the culprit of this fowl crisis, the H5N1 virus is a most inconsiderate guest. It has rudely infiltrated Nevada’s poultry supply, turning what was once the humble, affordable egg into a luxury item fit only for the aristocracy.

In some places, the price of a dozen has soared higher than a goose fleeing a tax collector. The result? Desperate housewives are rationing omelets, bakers are on the verge of rebellion, and many diners in Nevada are offering toast instead of their beloved scrambled eggs.

To address the culinary catastrophe, the Assembly Committee on Natural Resources will hear passionate arguments deciding the fate of the Nevada breakfast table at 4 p.m., February 10, in the venerated Legislative Building.

The Retail Association of Nevada has thrown considerable weight behind the bill, insisting that immediate action is needed to keep the working man’s protein within reach.

“Eggs are essential,” proclaimed Bryan Wachter, Senior Vice President of the association. “Governor Lombardo and legislative leaders understand the urgency of this crisis, and we demand swift action.”

Meanwhile, the Nevada Department of Agriculture and the ever-watchful U.S. Department of Agriculture have mobilized their forces to prevent further poultry pandemonium. In Nye and Churchill counties, dairy cattle premises are under quarantine, with officials peering through microscopes to determine what brand of avian mischief is at play. Ever the opportunist, the virus has taken up residence in wild birds across North America, proving again that no good deed goes unpunished—especially with Mother Nature.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, always eager to remind us that life is perilous, have warned that while H5N1 prefers to harass birds, it occasionally sets its sights on humans, leading to flu symptoms that range from mildly unpleasant to deeply regrettable. Fortunately, those with quick reflexes and access to antiviral medication may yet live to see another overpriced brunch.

For now, Nevada’s egg enthusiasts must await their fate. Will the mighty Assembly Bill 171 break the yolk of tyranny? Or shall we all resign to an eggless existence, forced to suffer through insipid bowls of oatmeal and unbuttered toast?

Only time—and the great machinery of government—will tell.