The Great Tiendita Luzita Heist

In an inspiring display of decision-making that would make a chicken crossing the road look like a master strategist, Dennis Solares-Garcia, aged 39 and allegedly a proud affiliate of the esteemed social club known as MS-13, found himself in the warm embrace of U.S. Marshals on Sunday.

His crime? A robbery at the Tiendita Luzita MiniMarket in St. George, Utah—an establishment whose name suggests it was neither Fort Knox nor a depository for the Crown Jewels.

The authorities allege that Mr. Solares-Garcia, with a firearm in hand and ambition in his heart, relieved the store of an undisclosed sum of money before vanishing like a magician with no exit strategy. The St. George police, in an act of commendable perseverance, called upon the U.S. Marshals Service, who—exercising the radical investigative technique known as “checking Las Vegas”—found the suspect amid the bright lights and buffets of the Strip.

Further inquiry revealed a fascinating twist: Mr. Solares-Garcia had been deported once before. But, much like a stubborn weed or an unsolicited houseguest, he reappeared, undeterred by past failures. Alas, his luck expired around 11:30 a.m. on Sunday when the Marshals extended a most unceremonious invitation to the Clark County Detention Center.

U.S. Marshal Gary Schofield, speaking with the calm satisfaction of a man who has seen this sort of thing before, noted, “An MS-13 gang member responsible for a violent crime was removed from the community today.”

Indeed, thanks to the tireless work of law enforcement, the suspect finds himself in a new and less glamorous establishment—one where the slot machines are scarce, the buffet consists mainly of regret, and the only jackpot comes in early parole.

The investigation, as these things often do, continues.