The Great Taco Bell Affray

Having climbed so high, civilization is again a’flounder in the mud. On the afternoon of Friday, the twenty-fifth of April, at 4:48 p.m., an uproar befell the Taco Bell situated on East Prater Way in the proud township of Sparks.

According to the city’s constabulary — a noble body of men who labor daily to keep the peace and who sometimes almost succeed — a female citizen did engage in violent discourse and then unseemly fisticuffs with a humble cashier, all on account of a disagreement over some small coin. Change, that ancient enemy of reason, was the tinder for this blaze.

The Sparks Police Department, steady in their purpose, said that the woman did commit battery — a term which, in these times, is more legal than literal — and then made her getaway in a silver chariot believed to be a 2017 Kia Sportage, proving that even the most villainous may still ride in some comfort.

Though the constables have identified and cited the lady for misdemeanor battery, in their infinite wisdom or perhaps just a heavy nod to the mysteries of the law–are keeping her name from print. The cashier, a brave soul, suffered a slight injury but, it is said, lives to ring the register another day.

Now, in a twist of civic spirit, Secret Witness did offer a bounty — five hundred dollars in gold–or what passes for it nowadays—for any scrap of information leading to the apprehension and judicial satisfaction of the suspect. Though the Taco Bell mayhem is retired, those who wish to assist justice may contact the Sparks Police Department at (775) 353-2225.

If a person prefers the honor of remaining cloaked in secrecy — which is often the wisest course when women, change, and combat are involved — they may submit the intelligence to Secret Witness by telephone at (775) 322-4900, by the internet at secretwitness.com, or by conjuring it through the modern wizardry of the mobile application known as P3Tips.

Thus concludes the latest chapter in the never-ending struggle to manage change, temper, and dignity all at once.