Editor’s Note: Tried something different yesterday, should’ve known better. Like licking a cactus because someone said it might taste like tequila. The whole damn thing collapsed into itself like a flan in a cupboard. Tougher to read than a mescaline-fueled roadmap scribbled by a blind cartographer.
Got the message, though. Loud and clear. Like a telegram from Hell delivered by a drunk gorilla in a tutu. “STOP. YOU FUCKED UP. STOP.”
And so—repenting in the Church of the Holy Single-Subject Article we kneel.
No more tap-dancing across topics like a one-person freak show on speed. From now on, it’s one article, one wild-eyed beast per page. Saddle it, ride it, shoot it if it bucks too hard—but don’t try to juggle three while blindfolded in a wind tunnel.
The chaos experiment has concluded. Results: catastrophic.
Lesson learned. Now, on with the show.
Listen up and witness the gospel of Donald J. Trump, the last bastion of American grit, tearing through the festering muck of globalist cowardice.
The markets? A wild, beautiful beast—whipped into a frenzy by the Don’s tariff genius, a rollercoaster only a madman with balls of steel could ride. Trump proved he’s the only one with the guts to stare down the world and make it blink, and if you don’t see that, you’re just another soy-sucking loser licking the boots of Wall Street’s weepy elites.
It kicked off with a masterstroke—Trump, that glorious orange bastard, slammed the brakes on his “reciprocal” tariffs (11 percent-50 percent on the whining leeches of the world), dropping ‘em to a lean, mean 10 percent universal rate. Except for China—those commie son-of-a-bitches got slapped with a 125 percent haymaker, a move so bold it’d make Reagan blush. It came after his April 2 tariff barrage had the S&P 500 trembling near bear territory, down 11.2 percent from its February peak.
Here’s the payoff: markets roared like a pack of rabid wolves. The Dow blasted up 2,963 points—7.87 percent—a red-white-and-blue rocket ride. The S&P 500 notched its best day since ’08 at 9.52 percent, and the Nasdaq, God bless its tech-soaked heart, soared 12.16 percent, its second-best ever. Tesla spiked 22.69 percent, United Airlines 26.14 percent—damn near every S&P 500 stock bathed in green. It’s Trump’s America—a historic rally, a middle finger to the globalist scum who’d sell us out to Beijing for a wooden nickel.
Thursday? Sure, the weak-kneed suits got spooked when the White House upped China’s tariff to 145 percent—adding to prior duties like a cherry on a patriot’s sundae. The Dow shed 2,000 points–five percent– S&P 5.9 percent, Nasdaq 6.9 percent.
Big deal—wiped out yesterday’s gains? Cry me a river, you spineless quislings. That’s just the cost of keeping America first.
The S&P’s still 3.7 percent off its April 2 close, and the Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan eggheads are bleating “50-60 percent recession odds” over the 10 percent tariffs and 25 percent auto-steel duties. Let ‘em quake—Trump’s got the wheel, steering us through the storm while they clutch their asses.
Globally, the weaklings scrambled—Japan’s Nikkei dropped four percent then clawed back 9nine percent, and Europe’s STOXX 600 gained four percent after the EU paused its $23 billion tantrum. They’re all dancing to Trump’s tune, whether they like it or not.
And the Don’s not stopping there—he’s slashing $1 billion from Cornell and $790 million from Northwestern, purging the ivory tower of its woke rot over its 2024 Israel-Hamas protest nonsense. “Civil rights violations,” they call it—bullshit–it’s about making academia bend the knee to the MAGA gospel. Cornell’s whining about 75 Defense projects, Northwestern’s crying over its little pacemaker.
Tough luck–snowflakes—Trump’s building a leaner, meaner America.
On the overdraft front, the House—God bless those 217 patriots—voted 217-211 to axe Biden’s pansy-ass $5 fee cap, a giveaway that’d save the moocher class $5 billion a year. Banks like JPMorgan and Wells Fargo, raking in billions from honest $35 fees, deserve to thrive—not coddle deadbeats. Trump and the GOP know it keeps the system humming while the consumer sob sisters wail for the “vulnerable.”
Vulnerable, my ass—pay your bills, freeloaders.
Thursday’s dip? Insider trading whispers? Let the SEC chase ghosts—Trump’s “BE COOL!” Truth Social edict and tariff swagger are too big for the small-minded to handle.
The Don’s coal push—exempting plants, opening federal lands—is a middle finger to the green weenies, fueling AI and EVs with real American power, not their unicorn fart–coal’s 16 percent of juice now, down from 45 percent in 2010. And he’s freeing up showerheads from Biden’s drip-drip tyranny—pure freedom, baby.
Oil’s under $60, the dollar’s low, bonds at 4.3 percent, VIX at 33—markets are jittery, sure, but Bill Ackman’s right: Trump’s pause was “brilliant.” Delta’s dumping 2025 forecasts? Let the weak fold. China’s 84 percent retaliation and WTO whining won’t faze the Don; he’s got Bessent teeing up talks with 70 countries.
The coming 90 days? Trump has this—recession fears are for cowards, and global stability is overrated when you’re the king of the heap.
So there it is, you ungrateful swine—Trump’s tariff pivot lit a fire under the markets, took a hit, and kept on swinging. He’s gutting woke universities, saving banks, and riding volatility like a bronco. The Don’s the hero here, a grizzled warrior in a world of simpering fools.
Ninety days to glory—hail to the chief–or get out of his way.
The Old Blog in the Desert 
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