A Republic of Dunces

The Folly of Signal

Well, friends, it appears we’ve reached that blissful stage of governance where state secrets get swapped like Sunday gossip–and national security is entrusted to the whims of a chat app. Yes, in this age of technological enlightenment, when a man can purchase an abacus with more encryption than our government employs, the stalwart stewards of our Republic have outdone themselves yet again.

The news, or rather the scandal of the hour, concerns one Alex Wong—a man whose vetting process seems to have involved little more than a handshake and a wink. It has now come to light that Wong, deputy national security adviser under the Trump administration, had familial ties to the Chinese Communist Party through his late father-in-law, a man deeply enmeshed in China’s satellite operations.

Wong was a staff member for Mike Walz, a national security advisor. His wife, Candice Chiu Wong, is a former U.S. Attorney who prosecuted cases related to January 6th and served in the Obama administration.

Given that satellites, much like politicians, have an uncanny knack for spying, one would think this connection warranted at least a second glance. But no, dear reader, it appears the only scrutiny our government excels at is the persecution of its citizens for thought crimes.

Yet the comedy does not end there. This same Alex Wong, our champion of unfiltered access, was reportedly involved in the now-infamous Signal chat—wherein the intricate details of military operations got bandied about like a poker game at the saloon.

And who got included in this elite circle of military strategists? None other than Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic. Perhaps our national security is dictated by subscription-based journalism now.

Naturally, our esteemed lawmakers, those tireless sentinels of virtue, have erupted in righteous indignation. Senator Jacky Rosen calls it an “inexcusable failure,” while Representative Dina Titus demonstrates the full breadth of her wit with a Forrest Gump quote.

And then there’s Senator Catherine Cortez Masto, lamenting that we were lucky the breach did not result in “catastrophic consequences.” Well, Senator Cortez Masto, one could argue that being governed by such blundering fools is a catastrophe.

But let us not lay all the blame at the feet of the administration. The synchronized media, that obedient lapdog, has taken great pains to frame this as yet another Trumpian debacle, carefully sidestepping the inconvenient truth that this level of incompetence is the natural offspring of a government that has long since abandoned accountability. Had the same guardians of democracy dedicated even half the effort to investigating Wong’s hiring that they put into pursuing unfounded allegations related to Russia, we might not currently see our military plans mentioned alongside brunch arrangements.

And then there’s the curious case of Senator Tom Cotton, a man who has built his reputation upon hawkish vigilance against Chinese influence yet somehow ushered Wong into Trump’s inner circle without a raised eyebrow. One wonders what vetting process was in place—perhaps a pinky swear and a background check performed by the local newspaper delivery boy?

Meanwhile, the administration scrambles for explanations, with Trump waving away concerns as a “glitch.” Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth assures us, with all the conviction of a fox guarding the henhouse, that “Nobody was texting war plans.”

Well, sir, if you say so, though one suspects the Houthis appreciate such reassurances.

In all the clamor, the real tragedy remains unspoken. The American people, the supposed beneficiaries of this experiment in self-governance, are left watching a theater of incompetence where the actors fumble their lines, the stagehands set the curtains ablaze, and the critics—those noble guardians of truth—applaud the performance rather than sound the alarm.

And so we march forward, ever deeper into absurdity, comforted only by the knowledge that when the next scandal breaks, it too shall be met with furrowed brows, performative outrage, and—above all—no consequences whatsoever.

God save the Republic, for its keepers certainly will not.