A Bill to Teach Policemen That All Men Ain’t the Same

In Carson City, lawmakers have proposed teaching the police that not all individuals walk, talk, or think alike, which they believe is a significant revelation deserving four hours of instruction. Senate Bill 380, should it become law, would require peace officers to receive instruction on the delicate art of recognizing and addressing those of our brethren whose wits run along different tracks—specifically, those with autism and other developmental peculiarities.

Now, a learned study of eight-year-olds in the year 2020 has declared that one in every thirty-six exhibits signs of autism, an increase from the days of yore, when such matters went unmeasured and unmentioned. The prevalence of this condition has grown from a mere one in 150 souls at the turn of the century to a more noticeable one in 36, which suggests that either the world has grown more peculiar or science has grown more observant. It notes, too, that boys are four times as likely to be so affected as girls—though anyone with sisters might have already suspected as much.

The purpose of SB380 is to keep the guardians of the law from mistaking a bewildered soul for a belligerent one and thus prevent a tragedy. It’s known that when a man with autism is armed, situations can quickly escalate into unfortunate events.

The bill aims to ensure law enforcement can distinguish between genuine danger and simply challenging circumstances in such moments.

The bill’s champion, Democratic State Sen. James Ohrenschall, in his wisdom, has decided that four hours is the proper measure of enlightenment required to unravel this complex mystery. Not to be outdone, Republican State Sen. John Steinbeck entered SB377, which would grant the Nevada Commissioner of Insurance the power to smite any health maintenance organization that fails to abide by its obligations—an act of retribution most befitting the name of its sponsor.

And thus, the machinery of government grinds forward, ever vigilant in its pursuit of progress, provided progress does not take up too much of anyone’s time.