A Riot of Righteousness

The Protestingest Protesters That Ever Protested

A great sea of aggrieved humanity, numbering in the thousands–by their count, which, like a fisherman’s, is not to be taken at face value, assembled near the office of Congressman Mark Amodei, having taken mortal offense at his failure to indulge their demands for a town hall. They came armed with slogans, righteous indignation, and the unshakable belief that the louder one shouts, the more correct one is.

Commencing at the fashionable hour of noon—after, one presumes, a leisurely breakfast— the protest, helmed by a medley of activist organizations, all deeply wounded by the recent federal budget bill.

“This isn’t rocket science,” declared one Christiane Brown, a sentiment with which the gathering undoubtedly agreed, given their choice of occupation for the day.

They lamented the alleged disintegration of Medicare and Medicaid. It became clear that many had only a passing acquaintance with such matters as their expertise derived primarily from social media posts and legacy media.

One organizer, Kimberly Carden, swore with the certainty of a prophet that the good Congressman would be seeing a great deal more of them. “If he won’t host a town hall for his constituents, we’ll bring his constituents to him,” she declared, which is an admirably determined—if somewhat inconvenient—approach to civic engagement.

Not content to confine their grievances to mere fiscal matters, the crowd, as is tradition, found time to voice opinions on Elon Musk, immigration, and any other topic that might generate additional outrage. It was a protest buffet, offering something for everyone.

Meanwhile, in the frosty hills of Vermont, Vice President JD Vance found himself the reluctant recipient of similar attention, as another league of sign-waving enthusiasts braved the cold to register their objections to his views on Ukraine, Palestine, and, one suspects, the price of lift tickets at Sugarbush Resort. The Vice President was in the state to ski with his family, a grave offense in the eyes of those who believe no moment is too sacred for political confrontation.

Protesters, some clutching Ukrainian flags, others brandishing Palestinian banners, and all sharing enthusiasm for standing outside in unfavorable weather, letting Vance know he had no friends in Vermont, though whether he had previously claimed to is unclear. “Ski Russia!” one declared, suggesting that if the Vice President wished to carve up some powder, he ought to do so in the company of his alleged comrades in Moscow.

Vermont Governor Phil Scott issued a statement best summarized as “Be nice,” but given the temperament of the assembled multitudes, one doubts it had much effect. Meanwhile, a scattering of Vance supporters, while outnumbered but resolute, bravely counter-protested with a “welcome rally.”

Thus concluded another grand performance of modern democracy, where everyone left wholly unsatisfied yet thoroughly self-righteous. Not a single mind got changed, and zero policies got reversed.

But rest assured, more protests are in the works—for what is life without a good, old-fashioned grievance to march about?