Distracted Driving in Storey County and Sparks, Or

A Most Unforgivable Crime

The Storey County Sheriff’s Office, that noble institution dedicated to the science of poor press release writing, has sounded the alarm on a new and terrible scourge: people driving their automobiles in the general vicinity of the road.

Yes, dear reader, it appears that motorists have taken to such reckless behaviors as “drifting within their lanes” and “mountain driving,” two activities so horrifying that one wonders how humanity has survived the last hundred years without simply perishing en masse at the wheel. It goes without saying–if you dare drift in your lane, not out of it, mind you, but within it, you are placing yourself and all of Storey County at risk of some unspeakable calamity.

And, of course, there’s the matter of passing in no-passing zones, which is a crime so egregious that the penalty could run as high as $415—a sum which, when handed over to the government, immediately makes the roads safer through some sort of mystical bureaucratic process we are not meant to understand.

But this raises a question: do these same rules apply to the Sheriff’s deputies, who have been known to drift outside their lanes at unremarkable speeds on official business, like pursuing a sandwich before the lunch special ends? And what of the mighty delivery trucks, which double-park on dear old C Street as if claiming the land in the name of some foreign empire, forcing the rest of us to swerve, dodge, and pray to whatever deity oversees the affairs of hapless motorists?

But let us not forget the fair neighbors of Sparks, where the City Council has a grand plan to address distracted driving. Yes, the good lawmakers of Sparks have taken a bold step forward in declaring war on the deadly practice of doing anything other than driving while driving.

Eating? A menace! Talking to passengers? A criminal offense! Adjusting the radio? Why not drive the car off a cliff and be done with it?

According to the Nevada Highway Traffic Safety Administration, distractions contributed to 3,308 deaths and 289,310 injuries in 2022. One assumes this includes people who sneezed at an inopportune moment or perhaps had an errant thought while behind the wheel.

The Sparks Police Department, ever vigilant, reports countless cases of “unsafe driving due to distractions,” However, it remains unclear whether all the flashing lights in one’s rearview mirror are a distraction when one fails to stop at an arbitrary sign.

The council may pass this ordinance, or they may reject it, or they may send it off to some committee where it will grow old and die, as all good legislation should. But if it does pass, rest assured: the good people of Sparks will finally be safe from the existential threat of sipping a coffee while driving to work.

One thing remains certain—if there’s a way to take the ordinary business of driving and make it more difficult and expensive, you can trust our fine elected officials to find it.