A Solemn Stroll Into Modernity

With the weather in a peculiar phase of warmth for a winter’s day, I decided to try out a suggestion that would lend energy to my body and be a salve for my soul. Now, this modern marvel is called Earthing.

The instructions were delightfully simple: remove shoes and socks and plant oneself firmly upon the ground, whether dirt, sand, rocks, or—heaven help us in Nevada—green grass. Even my esteemed faculties could follow these steps to the letter.

So, I let our dog, Buddy, frolic about the front yard as I prepared to unearth my inner Hippy. Given my penchant for a certain unsteadiness on my feet, I grasped the end piling that keeps the porch roof from sagging and gingerly stepped down.

Suddenly, I realized I either overlooked a step in the instructions, or it didn’t exist, as I found myself stepping on something soft and squishy. Before my mind could deduce the nature of this unwelcome tactile sensation, a foul stench assaulted my nostrils, causing a reflexive gag.

A dog log.

In a manner befitting a man under duress, I scraped my right foot—the offending foot—vigorously across the grass, muttering a few choice words about the entirety of the situation. Observing my distress and dragging leg, Buddy trotted over to investigate.

His judgment was swift, final, and entirely characteristic. He lifted his left leg and relieved himself upon the goo I had trodden upon, then with a flourish, he kicked grass over the spot and followed me into the house.

Once inside, I hobbled with my heel lifted from the floor to the bathtub, where I thoroughly washed the offending foot. After extensive drying, I returned my socks to their rightful place and shod both feet in shoes, vowing never again to tempt fate with such modern contrivances.

As a reward for his swift judgment, I gave Buddy some steak. To salve my wounded pride, I poured myself a generous cup of coffee, resolving then and there never to succumb to another new-age gimmick, no matter how ancient the action may be.

Should I require a boost of energy, I shall henceforth rely on the twin elixirs of coffee and prayer to soothe my soul.