Sign of the Times

On my way back to the house, I spotted three pickups lined up haphazard-like along the side of the road, with three men hopping around trying to round up a little black heifer with a white blaze smack between her eyes. It wasn’t hard to see they were getting nowhere—one man had his arms flailing, another bent over wheezing, and the last one just stood there, looking like he’d rather be at home in front of his television.

None of them had a rope, but I did. So I pulled over, pulled out my catch rope, hopped the barbed wire, and ambled over to the pair gasping for air like fish on dry land.

“What’s all this fuss?” I asked, eyeing the heifer, who was as fed up as I was by then.

The oldest fella, after hauling in half a lungful of air, managed to tell me the story, wheezing between words: he’d seen the cow grab hold of a plastic political sign—“chomping on it,” as he said—before she looked like she was trying to swallow the thing whole. That’s when she started to choke, and they’d all jumped into the ring to help, each less successful than the last.

That poor heifer was spooked to death by their antics.

Well, that heifer wasn’t likely to let any of those boys get within ten feet, let alone close enough to do her any good. So I swung my noose loose, calm, and slow and eased toward her with the rope twirling gently above my head. I walked right up within spitting distance and—when I was sure I had her attention—heaved my loop over her neck.

Sure enough, that stopped her in her tracks. Now I could see the blue and white corner of something poking out from her mouth.

Using a touch of patience and some slow talking, I worked my way up the rope, reached in, and pulled out the slobbery, mangled piece of plastic before setting her loose. The poor critter gave a grateful snort and trotted off, glad to be rid of the whole thing. I shook the loop from around her neck, picked up the sign, and turned back to the three men, who were still trying to round up enough breath to thank me.

I held up the sign for them to see. It read Harris/Walz as if the heifer knew what she thought of the whole business.