None of These Candidates

Former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, celebrated for her unparalleled knack for losing to no one, experienced another exhilarating defeat in Nevada’s state-run Presidential Preference Primary.

In a spectacle that resembled a twisted political version of dodgeball, Haley found herself engulfed in a landslide of epic proportions, securing a victory as substantial as a politician’s word. While the outcome failed to dispense any of Nevada’s prized Republican delegates, it did serve a generous helping of humble pie to Haley, who persists in clinging to her campaign like a lost puppy with a malfunctioning GPS, trailing behind Trump.

Trump, the undisputed titan of Republican politics, smartly avoided the ballot, opting instead to focus on the impending Nevada GOP caucus, leaving Haley and her motley crew of contenders to scrap over the consolation prize of zilch. And oh, what a prize it was!

Haley managed to snag a whopping 30.8 percent of the vote, an accomplishment akin to being the last kid chosen for kickball. Meanwhile, “None of these candidates” swooped in like a political wrecking ball, clinching over twice as many votes at 62.9 percent.

Pence, bless his heart, brought up the rear with a pitiful four percent, though he had the sense to exit stage left before the thrashing began.

Even Gov. Joe Lombardo opted for the resounding “none of these candidates” option, a clear message that Nevada wasn’t buying what Haley and her crew were peddling. Washoe County Republican Party Chair Bruce Parks summed it up succinctly: “They couldn’t care less about us, so why should we care about them?”

Nevada GOP Chairman Michael McDonald echoed the sentiment, implying that Haley’s disregard for Nevada voters met a resounding “thanks, but no thanks” at the ballot box. Ouch.

But fret not, for Haley’s camp remains undeterred, marching forward with the unwavering determination of a toddler refusing to consume their greens. Spokesperson Olivia Perez-Cubas proclaimed that the campaign was forging ahead, presumably armed with positive affirmations and a bulk-sized supply of resilience.

As for the murmurs of a rigged process, Haley’s campaign manager, Betsy Ankney, played the age-old “it’s not you, it’s me” card, insisting Nevada was never their primary focus. With their sights firmly set on South Carolina, they brushed off the Nevada debacle like a lamentable blind date, eager to venture into more promising territories.

So, as the dust settles in the Silver State, one thing is abundantly clear: Nikki Haley may have lost to no one in particular, but she refuses to let reality dampen her spirits. Onward to South Carolina, where, with any luck, she’ll receive a true Trumpian drubbing.